I almost didn't write my blog today because I was feeling so ill, but then I realized that I am the one in control of my life and I would beat the sickness by doing what makes me happy - writing. 

So, In today's blog I want to touch on something that has so much meaning for me - following your dreams. 

Up until around four years ago, I like countless millions of people, was meandering through life with little or no direction. Life it seemed to me was nothing more than a trial to be gotten through. I had no great dreams, no great aspirations - all I really wanted to do was to make those years of my life pass quickly and comfortably.

Yet, when we were children, we did have such great dreams about our future, about our lives. It seemed that nothing was impossible to us - so what happened? Some would say what happened was life? But for me that is too simplistic and shallow. What happened in reality was we allowed well-meaning parents, teachers, friends, and society in general to squash those dreams. We were told that dreaming was for "wasters", that dreaming wouldn't pay the rent, that it wouldn't put food on the table - so we conformed, we got a "normal" job so that we would fit into this society.

Well, I say enough is enough - It's time to reclaim those dreams of your youth. It's time to follow your dream!   

On average, every human being on this planet has around 23,000 days to live; for some it will be less and for some it will be more. How many of those days are we going to waste on something that doesn't give us pleasure, that doesn't fill us with passion? It took me just over 18,000 of those days to realize that there was more to this life than the hum-drum existence that I had always believed was all I was entitled to. Four years ago, I took the enormous step of walking away from my life and beginning a brand, new adventure on the other side of the world. I haven't regretted a single second of a day since. It wasn't easy to break those ties that had been built up over the years, but it was something that I absolutely had to do, or I would have spent the remaining 5,000 odd days growing older and more disillusioned until one day I would be sitting in a nursing home somewhere asking myself; "What if?" and "What was it all for?" 

I have real purpose in life now. My days are filled with the joy and passion of doing something I absolutely love. I have become a much better person than I ever was before for one reason, and one reason alone. I am living a purpose-filled life.    

The second purpose of my life now is simple - I want to be the very best human being I can possibly be. Now, I realize that might just sound a bit idealistic or perhaps even a tad "wishy-washy" but what I'm getting at here is that I no longer want to waste time, energy or precious days left feeling sad, miserable, angry or resentful. I have made a conscious decision to be happy and trust me on this - that is all you actually have to do. I used to think happiness and fulfillment were only for the lucky ones, but that's a crock of bulls**t. Happiness is our birthright. We all deserve to be happy and all we have to do is to make that choice. 

I used to be a surly, grumpy old man who blamed everyone and everything for what went wrong in my life. What I have learnt is that there is only one thing in this world we can change - and that is ourselves. We can choose to be happy - we can choose to not engage in negative thoughts and we can choose to approach every situation from a positive perspective. You know, I can't stop the war in Iraq, I can't stop ISIS terrorists from beheading people, I can't cure Ebola - there are so many horrible things happening in the world that I can't control or influence - but I can control me. I choose to be happy, despite the current state of the world.    

My beautiful wife said something to me the other day that absolutely melted my heart and made me realize just how much I had changed in the past few years. She said; "You know what, you are just so wonderful now - you are always positive and full of joy." That meant more to me than I can describe. It summed up in just one sentence everything I have been striving to achieve. I am making a difference - and making a difference in my life; is making a difference in other people's lives. That to me is the key. We can't change the horrors of the world - but we can change our own personal environment. My new mantra is rapidly becoming; "Changing the world - one life at a time"

Now, I'm not suggesting that you have to travel half-way around the world and uproot your life, as I chose to do, to follow your dream. What I am saying is you need to re-examine what you are doing with your life - what makes you happy. If you are doing something that makes you stressed, irritable, angry, or depressed, then ask yourself; "why am I doing this?" Revisit your child-hood dreams. Ask yourself; what is it that I really wanted to do when nothing was an obstacle - when anything was possible? In there somewhere you may find that which will give you your "bliss". When you find it, start to lay plans on how to work toward achieving it. It doesn't have to be overnight; you don't have to drop everything and take up a new path - as I did. All you have to do is work toward incorporating that into your life today. It will give a whole new perspective on your day.  

I want to leave you today with a couple of thoughts to ponder: 

1/ Are successful and wealthy people happy because they are successful and wealthy or are they successful and wealthy, because they are happy. I firmly believe the latter to be the case. 

2/ The most powerful tool we have to effect change in this world is our own mind. The power of our thoughts should never be underestimated. We are what we think! The most important thing we can do is to love ourselves and to be happy with who and what we are. Once we have mastered self-love, we can begin to "change the world - one life at a time."   

Today, I want to focus on what may well be one of the greatest, silent killers in our world today - and no, it's not cancer or heart disease, it's not Ebola, and it's not AIDS, in fact, it's nothing like that - it is simple, plain old-fashioned worrying. 

How often have you heard someone say that expression; "I'm worried to death about you." Well the truth is that worrying can and does not only shorten our lives but seriously impacts on the quality of those lives. I want to ask the questions today - Why do we worry? and Do we have to worry? 

Before I start though, I need to put a rider on this blog. I really do wish these thoughts and ideas were mine, simply because they are so good and resonate with truth, but I'm afraid I can't take the credit for what I'm imparting to you today. That credit must got to the man whose writings and ideas I am rapidly becoming addicted to: Andy Shaw.      

As Lewis Thomas said, ‘We are, perhaps, uniquely among the Earth’s creatures, the worrying animal. We worry our lives away. As humans, but for a few, worry is at our very core.”

So, in addressing worry, the first thing we need to look at is: What do we worry about? 

We worry from the little things about being late; to the big things like will I be attacked or will I find someone to share my life with? Or will I make enough money to live and pay my bills next week? Or will I ever be rich? You name it, we worry about it!

Worrying is a disease of the mind; it is like cancer, if you don’t remove it then it will kill you. Cancer kills you by growing and eventually crushes an organ into failure from the weight of its own growth. Well worrying works in the same way towards your health and it works in the same way to affecting the certain riches or the success you desire. 

So there is a nutshell is the things we human beings worry about - EVERYTHING! We are, as Lewis Thomas points out - the worrying animal. So, next we need to address; what is the actual point of worrying? 

Worrying for many is nothing more than an addictive habit and like all habits CAN be broken. Worrying is a socially acceptable habit though - it's something we can readily share with friends and it also allows us to seek their sympathy and acceptance. We have acquired this habit of worrying, since we left childhood - our parents, our teachers, our peers, our colleagues, our partners have all encouraged us to worry - and the great thing is, we really don't need to.

We need to ask ourselves a very simple question. Am I worrying constructively or am I worrying out of fear: Fear of loss, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of what may not be in the future, fear of an event that is coming up?

I'm not suggesting for a second that you don't give thought to these things that are facing you or coming up in your life, and decide how best to handle them, but I AM suggesting that you need not worry about them. 

When you worry, you are actually unconscious, as you are living in the future, not in the present. You cannot create the solution to your problem in the future; you can only create it in the present. Worrying takes you out of the only place from where you can fix the problem and puts you into a state of mind which sucks your creative problem solving energy away.

Perhaps for all of us our biggest worry is the fear of the unknown. Most of us fear that if we don't worry, we will be caught out - caught unawares, unprepared. This is a massive illusion. It is possible to look at possible scenarios and plan for them, without worrying about them. So if we get caught out because we did not apply enough thought to the problem, then that is different to being caught out because we didn't worry. So where is the need to worry - or else we will be caught out?

The real danger is that worrying about being caught out or unprepared is a self-fulfilling prophecy. The problem is that we attract what we are trying to avoid and we end up living a self fulfilling prophecy – what we think about becomes our reality. We get caught out because we worried about it, that then reinforces the future need to worry more deeply AND this is pure insanity. Worrying is insane!

The media has convinced us to spend endless time worrying about our ow powerlessness to influence our world. They constantly bombard us with negative views of the world because they know that is what our worrying minds want to see. Worrying sells - media has known this forever. As an aside, the past week of my total media ban has made me very much more aware of this fact. I am no longer assailed on all sides by negativity and what a difference that has made to my daily life. 

The truth is we are incredibly powerful individuals and we do have control over our lives. The only two things we cannot control are: that one day we will die; and that we must live every day of our lives until that day. We have choice over everything that happens in our lives. If you accept the simple principle that what happens outside of your life is not in your control - it just is, then you have absolute power. 

Whatever happens will actually be the best for you. You may not like to hear that and you may not agree with it but it doesn't change the fact it is true, and if you sat down and really looked for the benefits from every bad situation, then you would find them. Remember, we are what we think, so if you think you are powerless then you are and if you think you are powerful then you are. One choice takes you toward your desires and one drags you away from them. The choice is yours!

I do realize that some of this you don't want to hear, but if you are serious about not worrying, not making yourself sick and not shortening your life, then you will consider it and investigate it further. 

I'm going to move onto a biggie now for most of us: Why do we worry about what others think? You have to ask yourself a simple question. How can what someone thinks about me help me in reaching my goals and dreams in life?  

If you are looking for acceptance from your father, mother, partner, friends, or acquaintances, why are you doing it? Just love yourself; don’t ‘try’ to make others give you what you think you want. They can only give you what you allow them to and they can only take from you that which you allow them; others have no power over you unless you give it to them.

If you love yourself, you don't need to seek acceptance, validation or love from others. You can't control other people's thoughts, so don't try - just be the person you need to be and you will obtain their acceptance, validation and love. 

BUT what if they don't accept me as I am? Frankly put (but as nicely as possible) - who cares? If they don’t, then they are not worthy of your consideration. The only person in this world you can control is you. And most people do a very bad job of it!

If you are looking for others’ acceptance, then ask yourself why you seek it? Are you being selfish? If you ‘want’ acceptance, then I accept you right now for exactly who you are, exactly what you have achieved to this point in your life and exactly all of the bad things you have done. And if that is all bad, then so what? The past is the past, it is not your future and it is definitely not your now. Don’t let your current position in life or your life's actions to this point be your judgement of what your future life will look like.

GET OVER YOURSELF! 

Another area of our lives that we constantly worry about is making mistakes. Why do we worry about this? Do we think that if we don't worry about our past mistakes, we are in danger of making them again? That's just plain crazy. The problem is we are conditioned to believe that mistakes are a bad thing. THEY ARE NOT! Mistakes are an essential part of life and if that is so, what is to be gained from worrying about them? 

If we are faced with a big decision and we know that mistakes are an essential part of life, then whatever result happens from our decision means that we will move forward in the right way. So where is the need to worry about making a mistake? That is not to suggest that you don't due all the necessary "due diligence" and consideration necessary in making a big decision - investigating all the options, but you shouldn't worry about making a mistake. Most important of all is that every mistake teaches us something important about life and about ourselves. 

Famous restaurateur, Heston Blumenthal once said; "I learnt more from my one restaurant that failed than I did from all the ones that succeeded." Mistakes are a good thing! They have much to teach us - so worrying about making them is just plain insanity. 

There is a wonderful quote that goes something like this: "If you ‘want’ to increase your rate of success, double your rate of failures. Mistakes are your best friends; learn to love them, learn to use them." This is incredibly powerful stuff indeed!

One thing most people don't understand is that worrying does something incredibly bad to your sense of well-being. It literally takes you out of harmony (or sync if you prefer) from a happy, rewarding and fulfilling life. It is diametrically opposed to the conditions that favor your achieving your desires in life. If we accept that whatever dominates our thinking, becomes our reality - then logically if we are constantly worrying about our business failing or our inability to pay the bills, or something bad that might happen to us - then that is the actual reality we will create for ourselves. 

Worrying about something = This is what I'm asking to happen. 
      
Instead of worrying, why not, when you feel you are doing so, stop and relax. Observe your ego's desire to worry. Observe this nutter, this demon, as it seeks to destroy what you have created. Not because it wants to - it is just purely ignorant and afraid of the future so it seeks to keep you where you are.

Ask yourself as you're reading this: "What do I have to worry about right now?" As for your problems, you are either dealing with them or accepting them, so there is no need to worry at all. 

Back to my blog - I really do love this opportunity to let you know what I'm thinking, and I so do appreciate everyone who takes the time to visit, to read and to comment. It means everything to me. 

Before I write today's blog, just a quick comment on my own personal "media ban". A number of people have asked me how it's all going, so I'll give you a quick heads up. Last Friday I ceased all interaction with the news media, as an experiment. After six days of ABSOLUTELY NO NEWS, I can report this. I think I may have stumbled upon one of the greatest ideas ever. I did it, as an experiment, to try to stop the never-ending negativity of the news from messing with my head, but it has quickly become more than just a media fast. I have given up television almost completely (except for my beloved volleyball of course). 

What I have discovered is I have so much more productive time on my hands. Time to read, time to interact with other authors on social media and most important, time to work on my own personal development. It truly has been a revelation. Often I would visit other Author's websites and promise myself I would return and read their stuff at a later date - but, of course, I never did. Now, I have the time and I do read and I do learn so much from them. It's really great.

It is true that I don't know if China have invaded or not! Maybe they have, but their troops just haven't made it to Novaliches yet. Oh well, I'l deal with that when they arrive. Don't forget to message me if something big does happen - The Second Coming, or something of that magnitude. Will keep you informed of my ongoing progress.   

My actual blog today is about something I am both passionate about and inextricably linked to - books (and here I'm actually talking about the hold in your hand, turn the page, real, paper books). As an Author, clearly I have a vested interest in books - they are my lifeblood. But, if writing books was all about creating revenue for myself (and it really isn't) then what would I care whether the customers bought electronic EBooks or the old-fashioned paper variety? Clearly I wouldn't - revenue is revenue; right? The truth is I have loved books in all their guises for as long as I can remember. All my life, I have read voraciously; fiction, non-fiction, it really didn't matter - as long as I could get my hands on them. Books have always been the one constant in my life. 

This whole discussion came about because my wife and I made a conscious decision a few months ago to not give our grandchildren toys anymore for their birthdays and for Christmas, but to give them books instead. Although no-one actually said it out loud, I could definitely sense a feeling that books were not seen as such a great gift. The prevailing attitude seems to range from; "Books, oh, they're so last century." to "If someone wants information these days, all they need to do is 'Google' it." 

That got me to thinking, was there still a place for books in today's electronic, information age. My daughter, who is no slouch in the brains department, often comes to me and asks me for information on something - even before she will try to 'Google it'. She said to me one day; "How come you know so much about things?" I remember just smiling and saying something along the lines of; "Because I read so much." The more I thought about it, the more I realized just how true that was. Most of my base knowledge about the world was gained from two sources; books and stamp collecting (as a child). Stamp collecting gave me a great geographical overview of the world and a base knowledge of nations and where they sat in the world, both physically and geopolitically.  Whenever I discovered a stamp from a country I wasn't aware of, I would invariably hunt up our good, old encyclopedias and check it out - absorbing some useful information about the country and its people at the same time.      

When it comes to books, my tastes in reading were so wide and varied that I couldn't help but absorb a myriad of information about different places, different social structures, different cultures and different ideas. Certainly, as a child I broadened my knowledge way beyond that of my peers, and that knowledge has stuck with me to this day. As a for instance; I have never formally studied anything about Ancient Egypt, but I remember as a child reading a series of books about life during that period. Now Authors are often painstaking in their research of an historical subject, in order to create authenticity (one of the reasons I don't write historical novels). This authenticity has given me an exceptionally broad knowledge of the Gods, the Pharaohs, the social structure, the customs, the mores and the life of the early Egyptian civilization. I believe I am much the richer for that.

I do sense a frustration among young people today that they are required to specialize so much, in their education and in their employment that they don't have an opportunity to gain a broader knowledge of the world and life in general. Reading widely will give them that. This, of course, is a great argument against the current trend among higher education providers to remove pure humanity courses from their curriculum and focus instead on the sciences and task oriented education - but that argument is for another day.  

Having said that, acquiring a broad base knowledge is not the major reason for reading books - it is a byproduct, albeit a very useful and rewarding byproduct. In my mind there are two critical reasons why one, we should impress on our children the importance of reading books and two, why we as adults should never abandon the reading of books in favor of the instant gratification offered by the internet and it like. 

The first reason why I believe books are so important is because I absolutely affirm that the most important thing we as parents and grandparents can impart to our children is an inquiring mind. If our kids get nothing else from us, they should get the desire and ability to question, to seeks answers to, and to try and solve problems. All of this starts with an inquiring mind and books can give us that. We recently gave one of our grandchildren a book about Dinosaurs, which he loved of course, as all kids love Dinosaurs. If reading that book opens him up to seeking more information, going to the internet and searching, reading and becoming interested in paleontology, or science in general, then we have done our jobs. Even if it doesn't result in his increased awareness of science, it doesn't matter - we can have the satisfaction of knowing that for at least a short time, he wasn't playing games on the computer or mindlessly watching television - instead he was actively engaged in challenging his mind.

The second most important reason why we should read as children, and continue to read as adults is simply because it is rewarding in itself. Personally I don't know of a more rewarding and relaxing past-time than curling up with a good book and reading it. One of the most common arguments I hear against this, especially from young people is: "Oh, that's easy for you to say. You didn't have anything else to do when you were a kid - reading was all you had." To those poor, deluded youngsters I say this - BOLLOCKS! (an old English expression which means pretty much "what a load of b***s**t"). 

It is certainly true that for a time, as a child, I didn't even have a television to watch, let alone a smartphone, a tablet, or the internet - these were still all just fantasy dreams of the future. The time you now spend on the internet, texting or chatting on your phone, or watching television; we spent playing games with our friends (in person), bike-riding, building tree huts in the neighborhood bush, playing sport etc etc. We had the same amount of leisure time and options as you have now - we just had different ones; and yet some of us still found time to read widely and well. 

So, do I see the demise of the written word any time soon? Absolutely not. I am certain that books, in whatever physical form they may take in the future, will always be a major source of both information and escape for us all. I would strongly urge anyone who is not an avid reader to just give it a go. If need be, disconnect for a while from social media, television or whatever it is that rules your leisure time. Allow yourself to be captivated by the Author's vision and moved by the character's adventures. 

One thing I know for a certainty - I have never been bored, depressed, lonely, sad or upset when I've spent a few hours just reading. Isn't that reason enough to give it a try? 

Books truly are our windows on the world and on our fantasies and dreams.  

From just one Author to all the potential readers out there:

READ A BOOK!                                   BUY A BOOK!                                  GIVE A BOOK!

Another common gripe of the anti-Valentine's Day crowd is they will often say things like: "Oh, you shouldn't need a special day to celebrate your love, you should do it every day". 

I couldn't agree more. In fact, I would say that if you don't tell and show the person you love, at every opportunity you have; that you love, care, respect and appreciate them, then you are missing out on one of the great opportunities in your relationship. I am a great believer in the idea that what you put out into the Universe - you also get back. All great philosophies and religions espouse this idea; I truly believe that "You reap what you sow" and that "Karma" is a very real and active force in our world. 

If I express positive, loving thoughts and attitudes - not just to my loved ones, but to everyone in general, then I will receive positive, loving thoughts and attitudes back. It's not rocket science, but the reality is that we have been programmed to believe: "to expect nothing, and you won't be disappointed"; "that there's no such thing as a free lunch"; "that everyone is out to get you"; and "that there's a sucker born every minute". I personally reject all cynicism and CHOOSE to live my life positively and with purpose - and no I'm not naive. I used to be one of the greatest of all the cynics - but where did that get me? Well that's a story for another day - but needless to say it wasn't a terribly nice place.     

You see, what I see in the "anti-everything" crowd is; jaded, world-weary and incredibly sad cynicism. In my humble opinion the biggest problem facing humanity today is not the potential pandemics; not the threat of nuclear conflagration by rogue states; not the economy; not poverty; not even the threat to our freedoms, by terrorist organisations - what I see as the greatest threat to our existence is US and our attitudes. Many of us seem to have lost the ability to dream, many of us seem to have lost the ability to wonder; to revel and take joy in the simple things in life. So many people seem to be wrapped up in this eternal battle to get ahead that they have forgotten, or maybe never even realized the purpose of their journey here on earth.

In the last four years I have rediscovered the simple joys of life, of discovery and of dreaming as I often did as a child. The ability to dream wasn't lost - it was still there, but I had to make a conscious decision to begin using it again. I had to CHOOSE to enjoy my life. So many of us CHOOSE to struggle and to not enjoy life.
                 
One of the greatest revelations for me personally, from science, is that we human beings are literally composed of "star dust". We have, within us, everything that the cosmos is composed of. This revelation led me to understand that we, as humans, are much more powerful creatures than we ever gave ourselves credit for. Everything that we feel in our lives is a direct result of our own choices! It is true that bad things do happen to people - but that is the joy and agony of living in a world of duality; where there is an opposite to everything. What matters always, is how we react and deal with the trials and tribulations that will strike us from time to time. One of the greatest pieces of advice and insight on life that I ever came across is what is known as the "Serenity Prayer". It is used by, and altered to suit the circumstances, of organisations all over the world, but at its core is an awesome philosophy to live by: 

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; 
  The courage to change the things that I can; 
   And the wisdom to know the difference;" 

What an immensely powerful affirmation. I may not be a Bill Gates or a Warren Buffett, and I may not be able to change the world with my wealth; but I can change one person; ME and by changing me I influence the lives of countless others around me. If we all adopted the simple philosophy of only focusing on "what we CAN change", wouldn't this world be a so much better place?"

As usual I seem to have turned what was just going to be a simple blog about Valentine's Day, into a treatise on philosophy. Forgive me, but one thing I do aspire to do every day, is to follow my "bliss" and writing, especially about philosophy and life is one of my greatest passions. 

Returning then to the topic. So, what will I be doing to celebrate my Valentine's Day - today and next Saturday also? Well, for one thing there will be no "material" gifts (Darling - please note! You see - I do know she reads my blogs), but there will be endless love, joy and a lot of cuddling. Who knows I might even get "lucky". 

Seriously though, Valentine's Day for me is important because it crystallizes and focuses everything that I feel for this amazing woman that I was lucky enough to meet and marry.

I suppose if there was a gift to give this Valentine's Day it would be this blog itself. I'm not going to kid myself that it will be read by thousands of people, but even if only one person reads it all the way through, they cannot fail to feel and to understand the depth of my love for my wife. 

So, I have left my Valentine's Day present to you Thess, until the end of this blog on the basis that the truly magnificent jewels have to be mined - they're rarely found on the surface. 

                                                             Ode to my Wife - Thess:

When we first discovered each other Thess, I was already lost, lonely, depressed and in despair at what the remaining years of my life might hold. There were times when I genuinely wondered; what the hell was the point in going on.           And then I met you! 

I knew, within a minute of our first conversation that there was something special, something incredibly unique about you. Maybe there is such a thing as "love at first sight" - who knows, what I did know those first few minutes was that this was someone I desperately wanted to get to know better.           And then I met you! 

We struggled through those early difficult times of discovery, of surprise, of language difficulties, of misunderstandings but also through the times of joy, of pleasure and of connection.           And then I met you! 

I knew, that very first second I saw your loving smile, I touched you, and I held you in my arms that this was the absolute right choice for me. All the doubts and all the lingering insecurities were swept away in the sound of your voice and the music of your laughter.           And then I met you!

Almost four years ago you took me into your home, you took me into your family and you showed me and taught me how to love again - how to embrace life with that incredibly passionate zest and joy that emanates from within you. People kept telling me you were special - I began to see why.           And then I met you! 

We have had the most amazing four years together and I know we will have many more. However long we are destined to be together on this earth, you have already taught me so much about myself, about how to truly love and about happiness. I have learnt more in these four years than in the past fifty one. You brought me back to life honey.           And then I met you! 

We have a relationship that daily fills me with wonder. I think I have probably always loved you Thess - I just hadn't met you before now. Soul-mate is such a cliched phrase, and yet it seems the only phrase that aptly describes what you are to me.           And then I met you! 

You are my life, my love, my reason to wake up in the morning - I couldn't imagine a day without your beauty, your care, your love and your just simply being, as part of my life.           And then I met you! 

Thank you my precious, darling wife. I love you with every fiber of my being.           And then I met you! 
 
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY SWEETHEART - Not just today, but everyday for eternity!

AND THEN I MET YOU!          

My darling wife and I are about to embark on what I can only call, a GRAND EXPERIMENT! 

Let me explain; 

As anyone who reads my blogs regularly would be well aware, both Thess and I are committed to living a live that is both positive and optimistic. We really do believe that what we think of, what we say and what we do today, makes an enormous difference in what will happens to us in the future. 

This has always been a lot easier for Thess than for me. She is by nature a highly positive person and has always tried to look at things from the perspective of "the glass being half-full". I, on the other hand could best be described as a professional cynic, notorious for seeing "the glass as half-empty" and always looking for ulterior motives. Nevertheless I have made a conscious effort over the past six months to face life with more optimism and with an open mind. The results of this on my demeanor, my attitude and my actions are perhaps for others to comment on, but I do genuinely believe that I have become a nicer, happier, more generous, and more optimistic person. In other words, I believe the efforts have been worth it.     

One way in which both Thess and I have tried to instill a sense of optimism and a positive outlook into each day has to become followers and adherents to the life principles espoused in "The Secret" and the "Law of Attraction" (LOA). We have both found that the perspective on life in these philosophies has greatly enhanced many aspects of our daily life. We now approach each day with gratefulness for what we have, rather than annoyance or envy for what we don't have. The difference can perhaps best be expressed with an analogy that appeared in Rhonda Byrnes' awesome book; "The Hero": One man wakes up every morning and throws open his window saying; "Good Morning God!" His neighbor, on the other hand, opens his window and says; "Good God! it's morning!" Therein lies the attitudinal change we have attempted to effect in our own lives. We approach each day with a mindset of gratefulness, for what we have, and a willingness to achieve all that we can achieve on that particular day. 

I have subscribed to the email feeds of a number of the many LOA "gurus" and practitioners. This ensures that every morning when I wake up I have a pile of emails promising me instant wealth and happiness if I just subscribe to this system or to that system. Most of the emails get nothing more than a quick scan and are consigned to the recycle bin, however every day there are a number of "little gems" that lift my spirit, my self-esteem or my "vibration". I love to read these before I start the day as it gives me inspiration, a song in my heart and a burning desire to write (which of course, is my bliss). 

This morning's emails were the usual selection of the good with the the not so good, but one in particular caught my attention. The writer was expressing his belief that one of the reasons many of us fail to maintain the positive attitude that we start the day with, is because we are constantly bombarded with negative messages from both traditional and social media. His challenge to us was to simply disconnect; and see what difference it makes. For one month; we should not watch any television (except perhaps sport), we should not listen to any talk-back radio, we should not read a newspaper, we should not visit news websites, and we should disconnect from all our media feeds on Facebook / Twitter etc. "Yeah! Like that is ever gonna happen," I muttered to myself. 

Later as Thess and I ate our breakfast, I laughingly told her about the email and suggested that the man needed a serious infusion of reality. After four years of marriage to this amazing woman, I should have known better. Her response was totally predictable: "What a great idea;" she exclaimed as she clapped her hands. I groaned inwardly and then proceeded to rapidly dig the hole that I was burying myself in, even deeper. 

"But, Hon; how would we know what is happening? How would we know what is going on with the country? I mean - good God, what if China invaded us tomorrow - we wouldn't even know, or what if there was a Typhoon coming." As usual, her response was measured and logical. She insisted that if anything "really" important actually happened she was in no doubt that somebody would tell us. 

"What is the purpose of life hon? What have we learnt over the past year?" she began. "The purpose of life is to be happy and to achieve your dreams - it's that simple. If we are happy and fulfilled and achieving everything we are capable of achieving, both as individuals and as a couple, won't we make a much more useful. rewarding and satisfying contribution to each other, our families, our communities and society in general, than if we immerse ourselves in the daily dirt that the media dishes up to us?" 

I had no real answer to that and agreed perhaps we should give it a try, but I did manage to extract one concession. I was allowed to watch my beloved volleyball and other sport on TV, but NOTHING else. 

I suspect the next thirty days will be more difficult for me than for Thess, but I'm prepared and ready to give it a crack. 

Will I be a better person because of it? I hope so. Will I lose out on anything by concentrating solely on the positive and ignoring the negative influences of the media? I rather suspect not - which is maybe an indictment on society and humanity in general. We are all guilty, I suspect, of reveling in other people's misfortunes - almost as if, in gratitude, that it wasn't us. We do seem to have a tendency to want to be closet voyeurs of other people's misery and I'm sure that's neither a healthy nor a progressive trait in our species. 

I am sometimes asked by people what it was like to be involved in a cross cultural relationship and now what it is like to be in a cross cultural marriage. 

I would preface this discussion by making the following point: I have always believed and still firmly believe that there is absolutely no basic, inherent difference between people from different races. I am, I guess the term is, a humanist. It is my basic premise that we are all one race - the human race, and that our differing skin tones and appearances just add more color, variety and spice to life. It seems to me that human beings, when you take away the environmental and cultural conditioning that we go through, all have one or two very simple needs from life: Number one of those is to love, and to be loved and number two is to pass our genes and our world on to a future generation, in a better state than we found it. I won't go into number two, simply because it is a whole story in its own right, but our most basic need is simply to love and to be loved. 

I have been in two cross cultural relationships in my life and consequently two marriages. Clearly the first was not wholly successful, but it was incredibly important in developing and building on my understanding of what it means to fall in love with someone from a different culture. Now, although my relationships have both been with Filipinas, I suspect that the pitfalls and dangers that I will touch on here, plus the benefits and joys of such a relationship are universal. 

When I first became involved with a Filipina, I did my research. I didn't know a hell of a lot about The Philippines, apart from what I'd read in the news and seen on television - the bulk of which was negative to the extreme. What we heard about in New Zealand was about typhoons, ferry disasters, the incredible poverty of the street people of Manila, martial law, corruption, and of course the ultimate insult to these beautiful people - "mail-order brides". All in all it was a very negative picture of what I now know is a beautiful country with a wonderfully warm and welcoming people. So, I researched and discovered that the country had endured over 300 years of Spanish domination, followed by 40 odd years of American colonialism. It seemed, from what I read, that Filipinos were very westernized, sophisticated and urbane. 

Certainly the early parts of my first relationship seemed to confirm this assumption. I was impressed by the knowledge and world-view that my friend had. I was also impressed by her command of the English language. Ultimately I decided that when it came down to it - she was just like any Kiwi girl and there would be little or no problem with assimilation and with building our burgeoning relationship. In time I would discover the pitfalls and dangers of such thinking. 

As to making a cross cultural relationship work, I have discovered some dangers, some pitfalls and some "traps for younger players" that may work against a successful relationship, but I have also found some incredible bonuses and fantastic joys in being in a cross cultural relationship, which I'd also like to share with you.

First, to the downside: What to try and avoid! 

1/ Language: If English (or any other language for that matter) is your first language and it is only a second, third or fourth language for your partner then you MUST learn something very early on in the relationship. "Watch your mouth!" Words have an incredible power to hurt and confuse, especially when they are delivered by someone you love and care about. What we may think of as a "funny colloquial expression" can be seen and interpreted very differently by someone for whom English is a second language. I cannot emphasize this enough - communication is one of the cornerstones of every relationship and if the partners are constantly confused and misunderstanding the intent, it can quickly lead to a breakdown. I learnt this lesson the hard way in my first relationship. I have this annoying (other people's words) habit of what I call "throw-away" lines. They mean nothing to me, but to the recipient they can be taken to heart, dwelt on and fester in their minds. 
You have to watch incredibly carefully what you say to your partner. Speak slowly (hard as that is) and most importantly try to avoid using slang from your home country. She won't understand it and she may misinterpret it. 

What I would suggest is what my current wife and I did. Right at the start of our relationship we made a solemn vow to each other that we would NEVER let something either of us had said, affect us emotionally, without asking the other person what it was they meant. Knee-jerk reactions are not part of our marriage. If I feel hurt by something Thess says to me, I'll ask her to explain what it was she was trying to say - invariably I have got the wrong end of the words and am taking offence at something that was not meant. Likewise, she does the same to me. Hard as I try I do still lapse into my old ways sometimes and after four years I can now actually see immediately when I've hurt her. She doesn't even have to ask me why I said it, I'm already back-tracking and explaining it to her. This simple technique has saved us from numerous misunderstandings, needless hurt and potential arguments. IT WORKS! Try it.  

2/ Respect: When you enter into a relationship with someone, you automatically enter into their private world. You become privy to their private thoughts, beliefs and ideas - some of which may differ greatly from yours. This is even more so when your partner comes from a different culture. 

One example of this in my own relationship is with faith. Now, Thess is a Catholic and I'm a good protestant (although non-practicing) boy from New Zealand. In many societies - "never the 'twain shall meet", but for me it is important that I not only respect my wife's faith, but that where possible I actively participate in it with her. Prior to meeting her I had nothing but disdain for the Catholic Church, but when I saw the importance the Church and her faith played in her life, if I loved her (and I do) then it was incumbent on me to not only respect her faith but to be a part of it. No, I haven't become Catholic, but I do go to Mass with her from time to time and just recently I joined 7 million other devotees to go and see Pope Francis deliver a Mass in the pouring rain. On my first Christmas here I participated in a nine-day Simbang Gabi, which meant absolutely nothing to me, but meant a great deal to my new wife. I did it out of respect for her beliefs - that's what I mean about respect.    

That's just one example of how important it is to respect your partner's beliefs. When your relationship is cross cultural there are many things that we, as westerners, can sometimes dismiss as poppycock, which can quickly develop to cause hurt and a feeling of rejection in our partner. If there is one phrase I've heard more than most since I met Thess it is this: "But my Lola told me..." Now, if you scratch the surface of most Filipina's veneer of sophistication and urbanity, you will quickly find the little girl, who grew up in the provincial barrios and was indoctrinated on her Lola or her Mother's knee about many things in life. These messages and stories meant to explain how the world operates are very important to young, impressionable girls and they intuitively believe them, adopt them, continue to practice them and pass them on to their own children. I learnt very early on that to question Lola or Mamang's wisdom was tantamount to heresy or treason. That's not to say I don't put forward my own arguments on the subject, and Thess and I will often have spirited discussions about why Lola was right or wrong. 

My point is - there is NEVER anything to be lost by accepting and respecting your partner's beliefs, wherever they may have originated. There is so much more to be gained, in fact, by discussing them, analyzing them and even accepting them. What I've found, more often than not, is that Lola was a "pretty smart cookie" and that my way of doing things or viewing things wasn't always the best. Not always though, but even when I disagreed with Thess, I still respected her right to believe what she did and I didn't try to change her.                

3/ Trust: Another one of those relationship cornerstones. Trust is one of the most essential elements of any relationship. I trust my wife implicitly and I would and could never believe that she would do anything that was contradictory or harmful to our relationship either now or to our plans for the future. I also believe that she feels the same way about me. 

While trust is essential in any relationship, in a cross cultural relationship it can take on an even more important aspect - that of language. When Thess speaks to anyone here, she naturally talks in Tagalog, rarely in English. As I only understand a tiny part of the language most of what is said goes way over my head. One thing I found I had to stop myself from doing too often was asking her to explain what she was saying to others, especially if I heard my name mentioned in the discussion. There is a temptation to want to know everything, but it is generally non-productive. What it does is suggest to your partner that you don't trust him/her and that is something you really want to avoid.

I have a very simple rule in life. If I love someone, I will trust them 100% until such time as that trust is clearly and demonstrably broken. I don't believe that will ever happen in my marriage and accordingly it is something I have learnt to disregard.   

4/ Be adaptable - be open: In other words, "Celebrate the differences - don't demonize them". Too often I hear people rubbishing the beliefs and mores of other cultures. Whatever you do, don't try to "westernize" your partner. He / she is the person you fell in love with, complete with their own special cultural and ethnic differences. "Viva la difference!" There's and old saying: "You can take the girl out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the girl." If there is one thing that I love about Filipinos it is their pride in who they are and their love of their Country and their fellow Filipinos. I married a Filipina and in doing so I opened myself up to everything about her and that includes the things that make her uniquely Filipino. I would never want to change those things as they are the core of who she is - part of the reason I fell in love with her. 

So, those are some of the pitfalls to watch out for in a cross cultural relationship, but what are the benefits and joys of such a relationship. In this world of the internet, borders are becoming less and less important when it comes to meeting and falling in love. The way we interact, as humans, has changed forever over the past decade and it has opened up exciting new opportunities to break out of the standard, marry the girl-next-door mentality. It has opened the whole world to us as a potential place to seek our life partners. Equally, I firmly believe that this melding of differing cultures around the world can only serve to improve the opportunity of finding lasting world security and peace. Evangelizing the world - one relationship at a time. Creating a United Nations on an individual level. I find that incredibly exciting.     

1/ Expanding my mind: Entering into a cross cultural relationship is guaranteed to do one thing without fail - it opens us up to new experiences, new outlooks and new ideas. For me, it meant leaving behind everything I was comfortable with in New Zealand and moving to a new world, a new land, where I didn't speak the language. It meant leaving my "comfort zone". I can confidently say it was the BEST thing I ever did in my life. Not only did I meet and marry my soul-mate, my life partner, and the love of my life, but I got to experience a whole new culture from the inside. I couldn't be happier with my decision and I thank the Universe every day for delivering such a wonderful woman and such a wonderful family into my life.

Of course, not everyone needs to go to the extreme changes I opted to go for in my cross cultural relationship. It is still possible to continue to live your life much as you have before and become involved with someone from a different culture. You will still expand your mind and open yourself up to new experiences. There is something wonderful to be had by blending the cultures to make a life together. I can only recommend it - not to disparage relationships that aren't cross cultural, but to encourage anyone who is considering it. Don't ever let worry about differences put you off.        

2/ Gave me a world view: In my case it definitely opened up the opportunity to travel and to experience so much more of the world than I would have or even wanted to have if I had not entered into this relationship. 

But more than an excuse to travel, a cross cultural relationship does give you an expanded world view. It reminds us that the world is just a very small place and that despite the strife, turmoil and pain that is occurring around our planet, it reminds us that at the core, we are all human beings. We all feel the same emotions of pain, suffering, hurt, joy, happiness and love - we have a common bond, and too often we forget that in the strains of nationalism or fundamental faiths. 

It is important that we never forget that a woman in Syria or the West Bank, for example, feels EXACTLY the same grief and pain as we do, when her son, brother or husband is killed. Equally we can easily forget that a family living on the streets of Manila or on the streets of Bangalore, has the same aspirations, hopes and dreams for their children, as we do for our own. Sometimes it is too easy to forget that none of us chose where we were born. It is not their fault they were born into poverty and equally it is not our doing that we were INCREDIBLY LUCKY enough to have been born into a wealthy, progressive, and free country. 

Cross cultural relationships help foster this world view and I know that since I have been living here in The Philippines and have been exposed to some of this grinding poverty first-hand I have developed a much greater sense of understanding, empathy, compassion and mercy, along with a burning desire to make even just a little difference myself - fortunately a dream both my wife and I share.      

3/ Expanding my knowledge: Coming to The Philippines, and being naturally an inquisitive person has allowed me to greatly expand my knowledge on many things about my new homeland. Thess sometimes, only half-jokingly quips to me; "You know more about my country than I do". I love the fact that I have the opportunity of "total immersion" in a new system, a new way of life, new values, different expectations - an entirely different mindset and outlook from that which I left behind in New Zealand. I love history and I have thoroughly enjoyed the opportunity to research and read about the colorful history of these 7,000 odd islands. 

What most people don't realize is that long before the arrival of the Spaniards who came to "civilize" and "convert" the natives, there were many varied and unique cultures and empires already flourishing here. This country has an extremely rich and diverse history and nothing gives me more pleasure than setting aside a few hours to read about the early days of life in The Philippines. This is not something I would ever have done if I'd not gotten married to a Filipina.

My life is so much richer for having this opportunity.    

4/ Viva La Difference: I know this will sound a little superficial, but I also know it is one of the reasons, we as human beings are drawn to those from other cultures, especially across racial and ethnic lines. There are obvious physical difference between Caucasians, Asians, Africans, South Americans etc etc and that is what often attracts us - that exotic nature (to our eyes) of their look. 

I will put my cards on the table here. I firmly believe there is an inherent beauty in Filipinas that attracted me to them from the very start. They have that exotic mix of Malay, Chinese, European and American among other variants that gives them (to my eye anyway) a very special look. Now I'm sure that many others feel the same about Africans, Japanese, Chinese, Indians etc, etc. and as it is this exotic look that initially attracts us to each other, it shouldn't be dismissed as either superficial or unimportant. 

Clearly there is much more to a relationship, than looks, but without that initial attraction that draws us toward someone, it is often hard to get beyond that and develop a relationship. There's no point in denying that we are sexual beings and as such are drawn to form relationships with people that we find attractive...it is our nature.    

As a final thought I would just say that although cultural differences should never make a real difference in a relationship, there are some simple things to watch out for if you want to make it easier on yourself. 

What is important in a cross cultural relationship are the exact same things that are important in any relationship: TRUST, RESPECT, COMMUNICATION AND LOVE. If you have these - you should not fail. 

Remember, there are good and bad people in EVERY culture - never generalize: Generalization is a way that politicians and religious leaders have used for millennium to try and convince us that the people next door are evil, are bent on our destruction, are infidels, are savages, or are somehow inherently different from us and need to be at best avoided and at worst exterminated.

We are all the same - when you cut us we bleed, but when you love us, we love you back. 

Celebrate Our Differences!

Dedicated to my beautiful wife Thess Paclibar Leishman. Thank you for loving me babes!